Learning How to Give Yourself Permission to Grow

5 min readJun 26, 2020

This piece was originally published in June 2019.

It has been a really interesting 12 months for me. A year ago, I left a company that supposedly was on a rocket ship towards crazy wealth whenever its IPO would finally happen. I left with my integrity and character still intact somehow, but my psyche was definitely battered. I did then one thing I do know how to do well: start anew. What better place and environment to do so than in New York City? I had lived in the Big Apple before for 3 years and that first time around also began from a journey with a goal of starting anew.

What have the last 12 months in New York City taught me? Well, that is something that has taken me the entire 12 months to realize: permission to grow. In my 30-some-odd years I do not believe I have ever given myself the permission to grow as I have here in NYC. Of course it was not possible without some level of financial planning, abandonment of fears (or at least the attempt of doing so), and owning my authenticity more than I have previously in my adulthood. Some may call it fearless or foolish, but I call it a fight to live.

When did I give myself this permission to grow? When did I stop allowing the opinions, expectations, and entitled mindsets of others to dictate my choices in life? I have no clue. Seriously!

In every moment these last 12 months where I questioned my growth, it always came on the heels of an experience where someone else demanded I be who they wanted me to be in their narrative. Whether that was an employer, a friend, a new acquaintance, or even a stranger in a public space; who I was to them had to overshadow — heck, completely swallow whole — who I know I truly am. Growing from those moments was not easy. There were many where I “went high” and where I unapologetically “went low.” The constant was the self-awareness I maintained of how my high or low contributed to the good or bad consequences of being who I know I truly am. As a researcher and a professional, I know that everything, no matter how innocuous, has good and bad consequences. In my opinion, people forget that daily. When they finally remember this dichotomy, it is too late to own those consequences head on rather than reactively.

In a society where people, especially women — particularly Black women — are bombarded with communication, actions, and inactions that tell them they are not welcomed, they are not valued, and they are not enough I amaze myself with how well — a term I use loosely — I continue to grow despite the negative impact that noise is supposed to bore within me. When did I give myself this permission to grow? When did I stop allowing the opinions, expectations, and entitled mindsets of others to dictate my choices in life? I have no clue. Seriously! I only know at some point in the last 4–5 years I began to wake up each day using my voice. A voice that at a young age, I learned to stifle and quiet to protect the insecurities, immaturity, and ignorance of others.

I stopped waiting for someone to tell me I could, should, or would do and started doing. My path to giving myself permission to grow isn’t something I think can be replicated as everyone’s journey is supposed to be different by design.

Now, I definitely grew by maintaining a healthy dose of content consumption on topics I wanted to understand. I read many articles and watched videos about issues facing Black women in love, life, and work (see my favorites below). I listened to the lived experiences of my friends and how they navigate their professional and personal lives. I also finally listened to a few podcasts — Code Switch is a favorite now! I stopped giving my time and self freely to those who and that which brought no value to my existence. I started traveling again to further expose myself to people, places, and things that don’t make up my regular regimen in life. And lastly, I committed myself to eating healthier than I ever have in my life and working out more than I ever thought I could. These may seem like little things, or hard choices, depending on your perspective. For me, they made and continue to make a difference because one ounce of expanding your mind can truly shift your being.

Unconsciously, I gave myself permission to grow by not restraining myself with things that brought comfort, validation, challenges, and unlearning. I stopped waiting for someone to tell me I could, should, or would do and started doing. My path to giving myself permission to grow isn’t something I think can be replicated as everyone’s journey is supposed to be different by design. I also know I am not done growing, not in the slightest. Perfection isn’t in my goals either. My flaws make me who I am and my successes make me uniquely qualified to be who I am.

I am excited and unsure of what my growth will continue to lead me towards as a Black woman. At minimum, I hope I continue to have this much retrospective and perspective of what growth means to me when I am gifted with more moments to pause, process, and permit. Permission to grow, it is not a trendy phrase after all.

How will you use your time giving yourself permission to grow? Perhaps I can learn something from you. Comment below and let me know.

Must Reads (and Watch) From My Last 12 Months of Growing:

Learning How to Give Yourself Permission to Grow

Must Reads (and Watch) From My Last 12 Months of Growing:

Written by Brittinee Phillips